(Almost) Heartbroken on April 19th

530 days since we formally became a couple and 848 days since we decided to take on this journey together - it was almost over today. It started out casually with our morning conversation. When the crucial questions came about, we both realized we were tired. I was tired of waiting for answers, he was tired of the pressure to deliver. It was painful. We fought between sobs and laughter as we figured things out amicably. I never thought breakups can be diplomatic. We realized we will miss each other sorely, and that there was no one else we would rather spend the rest of our days with. He told me I make him happy, more than he could ever wish for. I have never been so open to him about my feelings. I asked all the questions I wanted to ask and he tried his best to answer. He laid out his plans. It was not very favorable to me but we will work that out. We will work things out, that's how we ended. And he told me, you are still my GF. I love him.
I am back...and then there's writer's block :-/ (So happy to decode my password after the nth attempt). I will be writing more in the coming days. I just realized after 33 years of existence that there is one thing I can think of doing when everything is settled with my life - WRITE :-)
It's in the 'uhmmmm' after my 'hello'. It's the urge to call after I push my foot on the gas pedal. It's the text messages I get in between cases and referrals that makes me happy, or the random calls in between. It's the wake up call, or the silent lull at night when he volunteers to be with me as I sleep. It's the good mornings and good nights and I miss you. I tell him I am happy while he says he is happy when I am. He is the first to call on my birthday, Christmas, new year. He tells me he thinks about what's for me, then what's for us before what's for him. His plans include me. My heart is very very happy but afraid how beautiful everything is. I know this is going to be painful if it does not work, but I promised to be honest and brave. I guess giving my heart should not involve protecting it with anything. It is in being vulnerable and in handing it out there to the right person that I know deserves it. Raw and na├»ve…

Growing Up

There came a point when I stopped believing in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, wishes and shooting stars. I know that soon, there will also come a point when I will stop believing in serendipity, and magic and fairy tales. And though I know that it may be sad, it is something that cannot be helped. Because I cannot continue to believe in things I have to learn to unlearn. Soon, but not just yet.
You laugh a little, you cry a little, you think a little, you sing a little, you get crazy sometimes, and daydream, and fall in love, and get hurt, get jaded, then bounce back and face the world giddy cause the sunlight brings so much hope. Life is life. Breathe.

Tell me how you drive....

...and I will tell you who you are. You probably agree with me - yes you, all you drivers who also manage to fall in line somewhere else (fastfood, government offices, mall entrance). The only queue I remember not having to worry about securing my place is in the restroom. In a brink of chaos, as in the parallel world of heavy EDSA traffic, people's basic courtesy and respect for another's personal space goes haywire. It's amazing. I notice that anonymity fuels such behavior. A driver of a tinted car window/windshield would never give way to another car. Try to signal a left turn, and the approaching car on the next lane would probably accelerate rather than slow down. I remember an aggressive jeepney driver who wouldn't let me turn right to a gasoline station could not look me in the eye when i rolled the window on the passenger side of my car. Basic courtesy, basic discipline. Have we lost it entirely, kabayan?

In the 1st place...

"In the first place..." It's an introspective push (i like making up terms like that). I like how it makes my stop and think amidst a complicated situation or task, a career dilemma, a crucial decision, a potentially hurtful consequence. Why am i doing/saying/acting/planning anything "in the first place"? Going back to the basic questions really keeps me grounded. Finding out the answer is like calibrating my life's compass. And boy, I need this. We all need this. It bares our direction, and most importantly, our values. It does not really suffice to just have an answer when we ask ourselves "why?", we have to really know why that is "in the first place". Loving life, hoping for it to love me back.