Hodgepodge

530 days since we formally became a couple and 848 days since we decided to take on this journey together - it was almost over today. It started out casually with our morning conversation. When the crucial questions came about, we both realized we were tired. I was tired of waiting for answers, he was tired of the pressure to deliver. It was painful. We fought between sobs and laughter as we figured things out amicably. I never thought breakups can be diplomatic. We realized we will miss each other sorely, and that there was no one else we would rather spend the rest of our days with. He told me I make him happy, more than he could ever wish for. I have never been so open to him about my feelings. I asked all the questions I wanted to ask and he tried his best to answer. He laid out his plans. It was not very favorable to me but we will work that out. We will work things out, that's how we ended. And he told me, you are still my GF. I love him.

I am back...and then there's writer's block :-/ (So happy to decode my password after the nth attempt) . I will be writing more in the coming days. I just realized after 33 years of existence that there is one thing I can think of doing when everything is settled with my life - WRITE :-)

It's in the 'uhmmmm' after my 'hello'. It's the urge to call after I push my foot on the gas pedal. It's the text messages I get in between cases and referrals that makes me happy, or the random calls in between. It's the wake up call, or the silent lull at night when he volunteers to be with me as I sleep. It's the good mornings and good nights and I miss you. I tell him I am happy while he says he is happy when I am. He is the first to call on my birthday, Christmas, new year. He tells me he thinks about what's for me, then what's for us before what's for him. His plans include me. My heart is very very happy but afraid how beautiful everything is. I know this is going to be painful if it does not work, but I promised to be honest and brave. I guess giving my heart should not involve protecting it with anything. It is in being vulnerable and in handing it out there to the right person that I know deserves it. Raw and naïve ...

There came a point when I stopped believing in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, wishes and shooting stars. I know that soon, there will also come a point when I will stop believing in serendipity, and magic and fairy tales. And though I know that it may be sad, it is something that cannot be helped. Because I cannot continue to believe in things I have to learn to unlearn. Soon, but not just yet.

You laugh a little, you cry a little, you think a little, you sing a little, you get crazy sometimes, and daydream, and fall in love, and get hurt, get jaded, then bounce back and face the world giddy cause the sunlight brings so much hope. Life is life. Breathe.

...and I will tell you who you are. You probably agree with me - yes you, all you drivers who also manage to fall in line somewhere else (fastfood, government offices, mall entrance). The only queue I remember not having to worry about securing my place is in the restroom. In a brink of chaos, as in the parallel world of heavy EDSA traffic, people's basic courtesy and respect for another's personal space goes haywire. It's amazing. I notice that anonymity fuels such behavior. A driver of a tinted car window/windshield would never give way to another car. Try to signal a left turn, and the approaching car on the next lane would probably accelerate rather than slow down. I remember an aggressive jeepney driver who wouldn't let me turn right to a gasoline station could not look me in the eye when i rolled the window on the passenger side of my car. Basic courtesy, basic discipline. Have we lost it entirely, kabayan ?

"In the first place..." It's an introspective push (i like making up terms like that). I like how it makes my stop and think amidst a complicated situation or task, a career dilemma, a crucial decision, a potentially hurtful consequence. Why am i doing/saying/acting/planning anything "in the first place"? Going back to the basic questions really keeps me grounded. Finding out the answer is like calibrating my life's compass. And boy, I need this. We all need this. It bares our direction, and most importantly, our values. It does not really suffice to just have an answer when we ask ourselves "why?", we have to really know why that is "in the first place". Loving life, hoping for it to love me back.

I am writing this as P-Noy is delivering his speech for the 2011 SONA. I did not vote for him last elections. In fact, I did not vote at all. I was rooting for Gordon, because I believed in his political will, and I think that's what our country need. I've had enough of lip service. I lost faith in government officials. I did not believe in P-noy. I felt he won because Cory died, and the Filipinos diverted their affection for the well-loved past president to her son, and his party saw the chance of winning by making him the standard bearer - and poor Mar Roxas had to give way for P-Noy. I doubted P-Noy's political will. I doubted that he has the ability to stand his ground. The government can be full of manipulative, money-hungry people, and it would not help having a weak President. Now, what do I think? P-Noy definitely stood by his word to attempt to clean the government. The DBM reported that we have saved billions over the last year, and I believe it. I do n...

Thank you for technology. I am not just saying thanks for myself, but for my mom as well. She is now facebook-literate and though she is not adding any more friends except for me and my sister and her sister, she gets to update herself with her friends and relatives. It has added a few hours of entertainment to her otherwise boring TV-baking-house chores routine. I am glad that mom got to learn how to use the internet. Facebook is one small step. I am planning to teach her about other social networks and blog sites and you never know, she can expand her baking business through the internet.

Thank you for Sunday Club! These are my best friends from my college dorm. It is amazing how five girls from five different places and from 5 different colleges were able to be friends for more than 10 years already and going strong. It is with these girls that I am able to share my most pathetic moments when it comes to matters of the heart and life issues without worrying that they will think differently of me. We have been setting goals every year and this has helped us try to be better every year. I just feel so blessed to be given friends like them.

July 21-22, 2011. This was my sister's treat to mommy for her 55th birthday, and her treat to me as a 'bakasyonista' from Manila. She originally planned a day trip tour, but because the price for the day tour changed to approximate the promo price of an overnight stay, she decided to just book us for an overnight stay in the beautiful resort. Her boyfriend, Joseph and her good friend, Nikki, came along with us. This was our second time to stay here, actually. We were able to tag along when my dad, who was working for Caltex then, had a department outing. Compared to what it was more than 5 years ago, there was no major changes, just some touch ups and the same refreshing ambiance. My sister booked us through the Pearl Farm Beach Resort office at Abreeza Mall. She just had to present the receipt to the Pearl Farm Marina at Lanang, Davao City where we boarded the boat that took us to the resort. It was hassle-free. They checked our bags to make sure we're not ...

Thank you for Skype and having access to it. I witness Andrei's best baby moments through the skype video call even when they're on the opposite side of the world. Those moments are priceless. I wish everyday to be able to witness him grow up, and somehow I manage to keep track because of technology. Glad I live in this era. *like*

Moist is always better. Aren't you just disappointed when your bola-bola turns out to be dry? The secret actually is in the extender. Thanks Tita Ging for the tip! Ingredients: 1/4 kilo of ground beef one head grated garlic one whole white onion 1/4 cup grated carrots 1/4 cup minced spring onions 4-5 slices of bread, sides removed 1-2 cups of milk, depending on the size of your bread. (note: you want your bread to be soaked in milk but not dripping) sugar salt pepper olive oil Procedure: Mix everything in a bowl and allow to sit in the ref for 20 minutes before molding. Fry in heated oil until both sides are golden brown.

Thank you for today's simple DVD and videoke marathon with Mommy and Tatette. There's just pure bliss being in our shorts, shirts, unkempt hair and oily faces while we scream to hit a high note and watch movies while we sneak to get one or two of mommy's brownies. Today's bonding was capped by Mommy's homemade baby back ribs. It's not as perfect as before, but this is definitely better than it has been the past few years.

"This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory. No happy ending. This is the way that we love, like it's forever. Then live the rest of our life, but not together. Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life. Can't get no love without sacrifice. If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well. A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell. This is the hardest story that I've ever told. No hope, or love, or glory. Happy endings gone forever more. I feel as if I'm wasted. And I'm wastin' everyday. 2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind. Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around if i pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep. I can think that we just carried on." - Happy Ending. Mika Nice and honest huh? I got interested in this artist when I heard Josiah Leming sing his version of Grace Kelly. I downloaded his video but never knew any of his songs until one...

Yes, I'm a fan of cooking shows, and among the different chefs on TV, Giada somehow stands out. It's because of her that I have taken a second look at olive oil, that I learned there are a lot of different cheeses, that balsalmic vinegar can be incorporated in desserts and wine is a nice addition to traditional dishes. Her cooking show is refreshing and her physique somehow convinces me that her dishes are relatively healthier.

Thank you Lord for simple, peaceful, everyday life. Last night, I had a horrible dream. I was in a meeting amongst rebels, natives and doctors in what seemed like peace talks. Every so often, we would hear bombs exploding, and somebody in the assembly was randomly shot. But we had to continue with the meeting because wanting out means a gunshot. Whew! It probably seems too movie-ish, but I do know for a fact that this happens in certain parts of the country and the news does not reach the media to inform the rest of the country. It certainly happens in certain parts of the world too! Slavery, physical, mental and emotional abuse to the deemed weaker members of the society, violence and random deaths. Hence, my gratitude for my life. My little everyday problems are so miniscule compared to these realities. Thank you for the constant supply of food on our table, for my access to little luxuries like television, for my access to health care, for my education and my chance to spend...

So I spent a year and 7 months working as a medical officer in a hospital in Quezon, Palawan. Those were fun times! I'd like to show you what that humble municipality has to offer in terms of its beaches. Do you know that Quezon is home to the Tabon Cave - where the famous Manunggul Jar was discovered. It was home to the earliest men and women. It may not have the best beaches (because I think the beaches up north are better), but it has a number of good islands too. Tabon Cave. There are 200+ caves but only a few are explored and are open to the public. You have to go hike all the way up and down its trails to be able to visit each of the caves. Right down below is the beach, where you can take a dip after a really tiring trek. Each cave has different attractions, but I was really drawn to the amazing stalactite and stalagmite formations in that cave known as the Cathedral. I've never seen a cave big enough to be a gym, and a stalagmite big enough that you have to clim...

Thank you for my mom's siblings. We treated our Tita Sylvia, Tito Danny and Tito Dubie for dinner tonight as Mommy's birthday celebration. I am thankful for their strong sibling ties, which keeps me assured that people are looking after mommy even when I am far away, or when my sister is working at the hospital. As my Dad's family, when I see them together, there's just genuine joy and concern for each other. My mom's happiness tonight was priceless. Thank you for making her happy on her special day.

I've been to El Nido twice - the first one was when I tagged along the higher ups of the Palawan Provincial Health Office around April or May 2010. The second time though, was when I really got to go around with my doctor friends Gerome and Arnel, from September 1-4, 2010. El Nido is breathtaking. You know when you've reached it when you're greeted by the giant limestone formation. It's gloomy and refreshing at the same time. For a place so famous, it is surprisingly quiet and not congested unlike boracay. We took a van from Puerto Princesa. It was a long and bumpy ride - we left Puerto Princesa at 6-7 am and arrived around 3-4 pm, considering that we have several stop-overs. Gerome actually thought of inviting us over since he was resigning a month after. He took care of our villa rental. After settling down, we went to take our first meal at Sea Slugs. I don't remember everything that I ordered anymore but the shake was delicious, and the view was very ...