Hodgepodge

"You buy things and you keep them clean. You take care of them. Keep them in a special pocket. Away from keys and coins. Away from other things that should be kept clean and taken care of as well. Then they get scratched. And scratched again. And again. And again. And again. Soon, you don't care about them anymore. You don't keep them in a special pocket. You throw them in the bag with everything else. They've surpassed their form and become nothing but function." -Iain Thomas

I never imagined I'd spill it.  Not with my issues about trust these days. I'm with a very good friend after our medical mission stint this afternoon.  We talked about our plans and our career paths over coffee, tea and a yummy delicious apple pie when the career talk became more personal.  We opened our closets and revealed to each other our well-kept skeletons. My skeleton is the best a-little-over-4-year-old kept secret.  I did not tell a friend-soul.  Not one - until today.  I always tell people there are some things you keep even to those who mean the most to you, just because you have to.  This skeleton is big and it could, hopefully, explain a lot about me and the way I do and handle situations.  I can imagine the contortion my face has to do as I try to conceal the pain over my sobs and tears.  More than 4 years have passed, but the pain and heaviness remained the same. It still hurts.  But what happened today brings relief because I realized I still can trust people ag...

...to explore the world. Please, please make me pass the board exams. 

Yesterday, as in every day since last week, we went to hear mass at the PGH chapel.  The gospel was about Jesus miraculously feeding an entire community with just 5 loaves and 2 pieces of small fish (the priest called it barney loaves and guinamos ).  He went on to preach about charity.   Last year and early this year, my core was shaken and challenged by several people and situations.  Some discouraged me from doing extra work to cover for people, some even make fun of it.  I do appreciate people's concern.  I know my friends tell me that because they do care about me, and friends protect each other.  It came to a point when I thought about it really well and concluded that maybe I need to change to become somebody stronger and less vulnerable. But this is me. I'm leaving me as I am. 

I find myself searching for answers to questions I have not even asked.  I acknowledge the fact that I am missing something essential.  My life is not perfect, but I am thankful for what I have, really.  For several years, I am stuck in the same place, embracing all that is , looking forward to what can be , but choosing to be safe.  Things somehow just always fall into place anyway.  But why do I feel that I somehow lost something - something I cannot quite put my finger on.   Maybe it's time I move forward and resume the journey.  That piece of myself is somewhere out there.  

I Believe The Sun Should Never Set Upon An Argument I Believe We Place Our Happiness In Other People's Hands I Believe That Junk Food Tastes So Good Because It's Bad For You I Believe Your Parents Did The Best Job They Knew How To Do I Believe That Beauty Magazines Promote Low Self Esteem I Believe I'm Loved When I'm Completely By Myself Alone  I Believe In Karma What You Give Is What You Get Returned I Believe You Can't Appreciate Real Love Until You've Been Burned I Believe The Grass Is No More Greener On The Other Side I Believe You Don't Know What You've Got Until You Say Goodbye  I Believe You Can't Control Or Choose Your Sexuality I Believe That Trust Is More Important Than Monogamy I Believe Your Most Attractive Features Are Your Heart And Soul I Believe That Family Is Worth More Than Money Or Gold I Believe The Struggle For Financial Freedom Is Unfair I Believe The Only Ones Who Disagree Are Millionaires  I Believe In Karma What You Give Is W...

I'm sorry I had to change the address again .