Dehumanized

Before I entered med school, I heard a couple (law student and med student) critic each other's field, and what I distinctly remember was the law student's hirit:

...these med students and doctors pretend to care for their patients, when they can't even remember their patient's name.  They call them bed number 1, bed number 2, bed number blah blah blah...

I was trying my best to be inconspicuous in the room, since I'm not really friends with them (my orgmate was the law student's roommate and we were just doing something that day).  She turned to me and asked if I'm really sure I'd want to be a doctor.  I said yes.  Then she told me to make sure I'd be more compassionate and patient oriented.

I was.  I tried.  But sooner or later, when you're left to monitor several beds by yourself, or extract blood from 1000 patients, you can't help but forget your patient's name.  I'm guilty of referring to them by their bed numbers, or their disease (e.g.  yung may hydrocephalus sa dulo ng ward, left side...), or their physical attributes (e.g. yung intubated na baby na may tahi sa ulo...).  And that's not all.  I catch my patience becoming shorter, I'm losing my smile more quickly now, I don't exert as much effort to prod patients and their caregivers to do something or convince them about a procedure.  I can think of a lot of reasons, but I refuse to justify myself.  Here it comes, what Dr. Alonzo from the Art of Medicine was warning us about.  

Tao lang din naman ako, nagugugutom, napapagod, nauubusan ng pasensiya, may limit ang memory.  It's humbling.  You realize that sometimes, though how much you've been trying to run to your superego for help so you can conduct yourself really well, you can't help but give in to the id.