I'm scared.

I met with my superb mentoring group for dinner and a little chat.  It was supposed to be an out of town trip, but because of several reasons, we settled for a simple dinner treat by our beloved (and much coveted) mentor.  It was fun and the chat started with gossip, med school memories, tips, boards etc.  It was until the post dinner coffee chat that we talked about the more important things.  

That's when it dawned on me. 

I am scared alright.  Im scared of the future.  I am scared of the board exams.  I am more scared of what's in store after the boards (given that I pass).  Im 25, in a little over 5 months, I'll be 26.  My mother got married when she was 27 and had me at 28, and built her life around us since then.  Some say we shouldn't bother with age.  But I have eggs that are growing old, and follicles that barely mature because of PCOS.  I want to have a family.  I want to have children.  I want to make a difference in the world.  But that I can't do without being stable in all aspects of my life.

But here I am, barely starting, with almost nothing in tow but my licenseless MD, my experience in the hospital, the little emotional and social maturity I got from being with fab friends and UP/PGH experience, my family.  I am scared.  Most of my classmates from highschool are made.  Even those that are younger than me are starting out.

Where am I heading?

I long for somebody I can share these stuff with.  I don't need assurances.  I need somebody to acknowledge my anxiety over these things, and possibly feel me.  Not a lot of people understands because very few people really know me.  It's easy for me to trust in people but it takes a lot more for me to open up.  My life as it is now is not as simple and happy as it seems.  The big and small dramas make the decision harder, and that I have to do soon because I've been in the fork of the road longer than I should be.  By now, I should've chosen a track (the right track at that), but I'm afraid to make mistakes - not when I'm already 25.  There have been enough bumps and downs for me to deal with.  I want a smoother road for now. 

My friend once shared that she prayed for clarity.  Maybe I should too.  

I am scared.  For real.

Comments

Joanne said…
Senseless advice: don't be afraid to make mistakes, if that's the only way for you to grow, to be happy. I realized that I've been a good girl for a very long time that I want to do something really unexpected of me. Right now, I want to take risks, and learn along the way.

The bumpy ride makes the destination worth it. :)
June 1, 2009 at 3:53 PM
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