Hodgepodge

It's in the 'uhmmmm' after my 'hello'. It's the urge to call after I push my foot on the gas pedal. It's the text messages I get in between cases and referrals that makes me happy, or the random calls in between. It's the wake up call, or the silent lull at night when he volunteers to be with me as I sleep. It's the good mornings and good nights and I miss you. I tell him I am happy while he says he is happy when I am. He is the first to call on my birthday, Christmas, new year. He tells me he thinks about what's for me, then what's for us before what's for him. His plans include me. My heart is very very happy but afraid how beautiful everything is. I know this is going to be painful if it does not work, but I promised to be honest and brave. I guess giving my heart should not involve protecting it with anything. It is in being vulnerable and in handing it out there to the right person that I know deserves it. Raw and naïve ...

There came a point when I stopped believing in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, wishes and shooting stars. I know that soon, there will also come a point when I will stop believing in serendipity, and magic and fairy tales. And though I know that it may be sad, it is something that cannot be helped. Because I cannot continue to believe in things I have to learn to unlearn. Soon, but not just yet.

You laugh a little, you cry a little, you think a little, you sing a little, you get crazy sometimes, and daydream, and fall in love, and get hurt, get jaded, then bounce back and face the world giddy cause the sunlight brings so much hope. Life is life. Breathe.

...and I will tell you who you are. You probably agree with me - yes you, all you drivers who also manage to fall in line somewhere else (fastfood, government offices, mall entrance). The only queue I remember not having to worry about securing my place is in the restroom. In a brink of chaos, as in the parallel world of heavy EDSA traffic, people's basic courtesy and respect for another's personal space goes haywire. It's amazing. I notice that anonymity fuels such behavior. A driver of a tinted car window/windshield would never give way to another car. Try to signal a left turn, and the approaching car on the next lane would probably accelerate rather than slow down. I remember an aggressive jeepney driver who wouldn't let me turn right to a gasoline station could not look me in the eye when i rolled the window on the passenger side of my car. Basic courtesy, basic discipline. Have we lost it entirely, kabayan ?

"In the first place..." It's an introspective push (i like making up terms like that). I like how it makes my stop and think amidst a complicated situation or task, a career dilemma, a crucial decision, a potentially hurtful consequence. Why am i doing/saying/acting/planning anything "in the first place"? Going back to the basic questions really keeps me grounded. Finding out the answer is like calibrating my life's compass. And boy, I need this. We all need this. It bares our direction, and most importantly, our values. It does not really suffice to just have an answer when we ask ourselves "why?", we have to really know why that is "in the first place". Loving life, hoping for it to love me back.

I am writing this as P-Noy is delivering his speech for the 2011 SONA. I did not vote for him last elections. In fact, I did not vote at all. I was rooting for Gordon, because I believed in his political will, and I think that's what our country need. I've had enough of lip service. I lost faith in government officials. I did not believe in P-noy. I felt he won because Cory died, and the Filipinos diverted their affection for the well-loved past president to her son, and his party saw the chance of winning by making him the standard bearer - and poor Mar Roxas had to give way for P-Noy. I doubted P-Noy's political will. I doubted that he has the ability to stand his ground. The government can be full of manipulative, money-hungry people, and it would not help having a weak President. Now, what do I think? P-Noy definitely stood by his word to attempt to clean the government. The DBM reported that we have saved billions over the last year, and I believe it. I do n...

Thank you for technology. I am not just saying thanks for myself, but for my mom as well. She is now facebook-literate and though she is not adding any more friends except for me and my sister and her sister, she gets to update herself with her friends and relatives. It has added a few hours of entertainment to her otherwise boring TV-baking-house chores routine. I am glad that mom got to learn how to use the internet. Facebook is one small step. I am planning to teach her about other social networks and blog sites and you never know, she can expand her baking business through the internet.