Hodgepodge

I just have to write this down. Now is one of the days when thoughts come from somewhere in the sadder, bleak, darker part of my heart that yearns for something I just can't exactly grasp. People go separate ways, intentionally or unintentionally, for a lot of reasons.  Some for growth, some for self-preservation, some for love of something else.  It happens.  And it hurts.  You know it happens when you find your heart alone-when you find yourself holding it and asking why-when laughter becomes just laughter and the essence of what brought people together in the first place is lost in dead silence-when you realize that your smile is a more optimistic smile than that of another's-when the spontaneous talks are reduced to mere eye contact and a little smile that might mean 'hello'.   Don't get me wrong.  This does not pertain to anything romantic.  It's said from a real beating heart that miss special people.  Now is the time when I know who matters and realize wh...

For a week now, I, and some of my block mates have been worried about one of our block mates whom we care for a lot.  Truth is, she doesn't like our rotation and the system in PGH.  She's been talking and smiling less and less for days. Earlier I got this message from her: "Call me a relieved melodramatic weirdo but here goes.  With my pseudo-social phobia, I failed to attend mass kagabi.  By happenstance, I ran into some patient asking for a prayer sa hospital and joined them.  Somehow lightened my load.  Parang I finally found something meaningful here.  There, just had to tell you I'm a lil better so you won't worry much.  Thanks." Then it kept repeating in my head.  "There's something meaningful here".  It brings back a lot of scenarios, a lot of experiences - good and bad, everything that happened to me so far in PGH.  Then I realized I've grown a lot (literally and figuratively hehe) since first year.  I'm still here, embracing PGH ...

Should i give up, Or should i just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere? Or would it be a waste? Even if i knew my place  Should i leave it there? -Adele

" Faith is not being sure. It is not being sure, but betting with your last cent... Faith is not a series of gilt-edged propositions that you sit down to figure out, and if you follow all the logic and accept all the conclusions, then you have it. It is crumpling and throwing away everything, proposition by proposition, until nothing is left, and then writing a new proposition, your very own, to throw in the teeth of despair... Faith is not making religious-sounding noises in the daytime. It is asking your inmost self questions at night and then getting up and going to work... Faith is thinking thoughts and singing songs and making poems in the lap of death." Mary Jean Irion, 1970 from "Yes, World: A Mosaic of Meditation"   

We work like carabaos in rotations that make us do so.  So I understand doctors who place so much value on their status.  Several years of medical education and training equate to power, exclusive knowledge and skill, not to mention that we deal with life.   But we are not doctors if we don't have patients. My point is, we just can't be too proud.  As much as we know how to diagnose and treat patients or relieve their symptoms at the very least, we too are just human beings.  Several years of grueling studying and going on duties does not give us a bit of the right to verbally abuse them and not mind how they feel at all.  They may need as more, but need them too.   My friend said it's just so easy to be like that when you're working in a very stressful environment and when you are responsible for a lot of things. I honestly don't buy that. This may sound vindictive but I wish that doctors who doesn't realize this be put in place.  I hope they can experience how...

During my last tour of duty, one of my patients was in distress.  She was crying and shouting because she felt extreme pain in her back and head due to metastasis, and she cannot breath well.  The nurse asked me to check on her so we can institute proper intervention before we refer the patient to the resident. I was alone in the wards.  I was the only intern watching over some 30 patients. I walked towards the tropho ward, hurried but stalling.  I was thinking hard of what I can do so when I get there, so I could carry them out right away.  A lot of things were going on in my mind - oxygen, pain medication, intubation, code.  But none really made much sense.  None of which was the solution I was looking for, at least that which comforted me.  Then I caught myself thinking:  God, please help me.  It felt really good. Don't we all find peace in the thought that someone out there can come to our rescue?  Sometimes, I do forget it.  I seek for solutions myself.  It was all me and what...

I was on duty at ward 14b on our first day in OB.  Well, it was unremarkable, really - well,  for most of the day until around midnight when it all poured in. It started with just 2 IV insertions in 2 tropho patients, got both at first try.  Lucky IV Day :) Then I came back to find out that I have 3 blood extractions to do. Then 3 more IV insertions. Then 6 more. Then another. Then 3. Then grand monitoring. Then a foley and an NGT insertion. Then came a referral.  One patient was in respiratory distress and in severe pain due to cancer metastasis.   And the finishing touch... I got blood all over my pants.  And when I say all over, I mean around 30% of my pants was soaked in blood.  I did not notice that my patient's blood was dripping when I was trying to look for a vein.  The nurse said I look like a bleeding OB patient.  She was so distracted to look at me, she offered to lend me her pants - which I honestly considered, but turned down anyway.  The NA offered me a gown.  And wel...